I am really loving and connecting with the TV series, Astrid: Murder in Paris.
I’ve only got as far as episode 3 (no spoilers please!) but I’m realising that watching it has rocked me to my core quite a bit.
I’ve never seen someone who is similar in age and challenges to me. Most autistic characters seem to be younger (children, teens, maybe early 20s). Astrid doesn’t seem like she’s in her 40s like me, but I can still relate a lot more than to other characters.
Realised I used to be called [and sometimes quietly refer to myself as] “fragile”. I’m sometimes called “brilliant”, too, which usually sets up great expectations of me in other areas that I fail at meeting in spectacular ways. These words were used to describe Astrid. I am very familiar with the spiky skillset idea, but hearing words that are familiar to me… kinda hits differently? Somehow.
I see how she is more “obviously” autistic than me. I see how she navigates the names she gets called and the way she is treated like she is a child sometimes. I think I’m ready to start facing that kind of discrimination if it means masking less and taking care of myself more. I need to find a way to allow myself to very gradually explore this, while remembering that my masking is deeply engrained and very much automatic, not a conscious choice the vast majority of the time.
One thing I’m exploring is allowing myself to express my troubles without using words. Usually, I will try to keep a neutral exterior and try to calmly say “I am not doing well right now”. But no one is taking that seriously. I usually have to repeat it 3 times and then eventually break down in front of someone before they’ll realise and help in the ways they’ve agreed already they will help me. Quicker help would make a massive difference and make the outcome so much better.
I want to retrain my brain to show my struggles outwardly. I may need to use words, too, but I’m hoping even allistic and neurotypicals who know and care about me will learn the visible signs that I’m struggling and if I go non-speaking or shutdown completely, then hopefully there will be some sort of support or recognition of what’s happening.
@AnAutieAtUni@actuallyautistic Sharing your enjoyment of Astrid as well as the profound connection, joy and insight that comes with seeing a positive, accurate depiction of adult autism on the screen.
A mutual here put me onto it only a few weeks ago, and the programme is hopeful in so many ways, including seeing Raph accept Astrid for who she is. We ARE ok!
Won’t say any more as it might be spoilery but reckon you’ll enjoy it even more 👍(a few eps into S2).
If you’re struggling to find the show it’s on Channel 4’s app!
Communication cards - not really, but tried a traffic light card once. I prepped the card (double sided: just red and amber, was only going to show it when I’m not ‘green’) and never used it as I was too self conscious. Was a good thing in the end - I ended up being a target in that particular group anyway.
But I like communication apps. I’ve got Emergency Chat and FlipWriter. Again, not had a chance to use them except for with one loved, but I like the fact I can customise the messages versus static cards. Emergency Chat has a default opening message you can customise which helps massively.
I got a wrist band which can turn inside out depending on whether I’m ok or not, but again, I feel too self conscious to wear it.
Part of the problem is that I’ve never met another adult who has these challenges and uses these support tools. Being the only one or first person feels like putting a target on my back 🎯