No matter how well I learnt to mask, no matter how well I learnt to get on with people, if not in any deep and meaningful way, at least superficially. There has always been one skill that I have never mastered and that is simply the ability to not upset people and especially without having the slightest idea how.
Or that I didn't for a long time, anyway. It was only when I realised that I was autistic and that the way I looked at the world was in some ways substantively different from the way many allistics looked at the world, that I began to understand something. Allistics tend to find validation externally, through feedback from the group or the part of society that they identify with, whereas autistics tend to find it within themselves, in their own reason and sense of worth and value.
Now I must stress that in many respects this is a generalisation and obviously there will be a lot of variation and degree in how true this is. But in its more extreme forms, it could very well explain many of the experiences and difficulties that I've had.
Because if someone's self-worth, the value they see in their life and actions, is almost entirely based on their interactions with the dynamics of the group they identify with, or the society they live within and not from their own judgement, then this could lead to certain choices and reactions that are quite frankly alien to someone like me and that I could easily end up in conflict with and all without really trying to.
For example, if the value of a child reflects back on its parents. Then in the extreme case the values and behaviour expected from that child, are not those of the child, but of the parents in terms of the group the child is meant to be representing them in and how well it is doing that. So any sense of divergence from that or criticism of that child, no matter how slight that might be, could easily be seen as an attack on the parents and reacted to accordingly, irrespective of how reasonable or just it was.
Equally, of course, worth, praise, or rewards, can also become divorced from any sense of reality. All that matters is that you, whether that's through your children or not, are being valued, not whether there is any justice to it. Because the truth or validity of it, is not based on how you see yourself, but only on how others see you. And in the extreme case, it doesn't even matter how they came to this view, as long as they have it. So worth can become something to be manipulated and played for and how you really are and how you actually feel about yourself becomes almost irrelevant to this process.
That people could even be this way, that everything could become how you're being perceived and anything that effects that negatively can be something to be attacked, is still something that I struggle to understand. It is so foreign to my nature. But, it certainly explains so many of the times that I've upset people, because I wasn't playing this game, or seeing the world the way I should and didn't even realise it.
Thank you for sharing this! Really fascinating to think about and I’m going to explore where I stand on this too.
I am about to officially decline the chance to go to my own graduation ceremony in a few months. I’m actually quite shocked.
I think I have usually sought external validation and continue to do so on some levels, but as I realise how much harm it causes me, I’m switching to external validation and hope to switch 100%.
I’m at a point in my degree where I’ve already had so many grades back that I feel validated. I have a mentor and 2 people close to me who have an idea what I’ve been through to get here, and possibly a few staff at uni too. When I complete my degree, I’ll have a certificate to prove it, but more importantly, I already know how much I’ve changed and grown from this journey.
But most others around me are shocked that I don’t want to:
Get overloaded in absolutely massive over-excited crowds before and after an event
Put on a cap and gown last minute with no time to get used to it
Be under massive social pressure to smile and socialise for several hours
Always look my best for the cameras (no sincere expressions unless they’re jubilant)
Get overloaded by echoes and sounds in a sports hall
Sit and try to stop my fidgeting for the duration of the ceremony with hundreds of people around me
Be so overwhelmed by the pressure to queue and walk across a stage and shake a hand and deal with multiple clapping sessions that I end up dissociating and don’t remember anything anyway
Come home and let it all out via a melt down and then get told off because “that isn’t how you’re supposed to enjoy your graduation day! You should be happy! You’ve ruined it all!”
Yeah…. External “validation” can be utter hell.
Very glad to be switching to internal.
Especially, as you said, I value things differently to others. For me, it’s more about the internal values, ethics and goals that guide me, and about the real journey I’ve been on, about becoming the person I want to become… much less about people clapping and making me centre of attention and expecting me to perform for them accordingly. So much pressure on one single day and so little attention paid to the past 4-ish year journey I will have been on.
BUT I have a lot of respect for people who feel their values and goals align with ceremonies like this. I do enjoy ceremonies in general, the idea of them is beautiful and full of respect and meaning. But this particular one is absolutely not ‘me’. I have got my own plans to create my own ceremony. Small, intimate, with freedom for all to ‘be’ and breathe. I’ve taken the symbols of a traditional graduation ceremony as ingredients and turned them into a new recipe that will work much better for me. I just need to keep bracing for the ongoing onslaught of Opinions that I’m Missing Out. rolls eyes
Yet, I’m looking at my reply and see the thing that’s missing:
Am I validating others in the ways they want and need? Ooof not sure I would even know.
I do make continual efforts to say out loud things that others don’t usually like “thank you for …”, “I really appreciate that you did… X”.
But do I recognise their achievements? In the way that they need?
Maybe not. Maybe I just can’t relate? Maybe saying “well done” in some obvious situations just seems so trite and superficial to me that I avoid it? And maybe I DO say it but only when others feel it’s not necessary. Hmmm. 🤔 Lots to ponder, thank you for this.
@AnAutieAtUni@actuallyautistic
I was dragged kicking and screaming to my graduation. Just couldn't see the point to it and afterwards, still couldn't see the point.
@EVDHmn@AnAutieAtUni@actuallyautistic
Much to everyone's surprise, I was always vastly under rated, not being overly verbal tends to do that, I managed to emerge with an Honours degree and burnout 😊
@pathfinder@AnAutieAtUni@actuallyautistic
My experience was less than pleasant. I really loved school. No idea what happened, they always spoke of potential, but they couldn’t see what was going on under the hood. Hell, I didn’t even understand why I felt the way I did :)
I did very well in primary school, & quite well by the end of high school. Too few subjects caught my interest by the end, & masking well enough to hover at the edge of the cool crowd by year 12 took a lot of energy. But uni in my 30s was a different story…
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic
Thanks for writing this. I somehow manage to annoy people with no explanation. Like words aren't even exchanged. I don't know if I am projecting an attitude unconsciously, if I have a resting b*tch face, or I have an invisible sign that requests getting bullied. When a couple of things happen I can handle it and let it go, but not forever.
@Adventurer@actuallyautistic
There are many things that can create this. Not just stepping on the toes we didn't even realise were there. But also the fact that we aren't conforming to their expectations of how we should be acting, let alone reacting.
Group think creates expectations that we can rarely meet, even if we remotely wanted to. It also makes us vulnerable to being bullied, or exploited because of it. To the group, difference will always be the enemy, or the victim. And we are different and so can't help being and appearing different, no matter how much we might try.
Perhaps the best we can often do, is to develop a tough enough hide to withstand this. Or a big enough "fuck you" attitude, that it doesn't make us worth tackling.
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic I struggled with that a year ago and decided I could do better if I was kinder to myself and I didn’t need validation from a person as much as I did myself. I also realized I couldn’t help myself if I couldn’t learn who I was as a person owning my decisions now. I remember a saying “the relationship we have with our selves is reflective in the relationship we have with others”. With Kindness Humility
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic
Oh wait the actual wording was “the relationship we have with ourselves is the energy in which all other relationships energy flows”
@EVDHmn@pathfinder@actuallyautistic I dunno about that. I'm a lot harsher on myself than I'd ever be on anyone else. The idea that maybe I don't have to be harsh with myself is really something pretty new to me. I've only been trying for a few months.
@BernieDoesIt@EVDHmn@actuallyautistic
It does take time to become used to such a revolutionary concept, that we can actually be kind to ourselves. Especially after a lifetime of not realising that we could be. 😀
@pathfinder@EVDHmn@actuallyautistic For example, I was pretty blunt with myself because I knew I could've possibly offend myself. It never really occurred to me that I might be hurting myself.
@BernieDoesIt@pathfinder@EVDHmn@actuallyautistic
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I suppose I've said it before, a rule against negative self talk is a megalomaniac's rule. Reality requires acknowledging your own errors.
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I don't think it's megalomania, but I think it resonates better with Allistics than with Autistics.
@BernieDoesIt@pathfinder@EVDHmn@actuallyautistic
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It's a huge part of the noise I've heard from my lying family all my life, so I don't care for it or much NT psych anymore, I know it's not the first time I've said that.
Acknowledging errors & being harsh are 2 very different things. The first helps us to learn & to identify where we can be better, or what need to accept & ask for help with, or what we need to apologise for. Being harsh can sap us of energy & make us vulnerable to poor treatment or abuse, by making us think it’s what we deserve.